Category Archives: Humor

All about funny stuff.

Those I Ridicule: The Weak-Chinned

I am a mean person. Yes, it is hard to believe, what with my eloquent language skills, good looks and impeccable music taste. However, I am only one man, a mere mortal on this most green earth (actually, sans green now, it seems. More steely gray.) and enjoy having a go at most people…actually, many people. So, to display my own comments on those I deem worth making fun of, I have decided to create this semi-bi-sortakinda-updated series of posts, which I like to call “Those I Ridicule”. My first subjects: The Weak-Chinned.

A chin, as you may or may not know, is the part of your body just below your mouth and just above your fat, protuberant stomach; you know, that hard, bony surface that occasionally grows some facial hair stubble on men and some of the more disgusting women (ah, a new topic! But that’s another post.). According to the venerable Wikipedia, your chin is made up by the lower front of the mandible, which is just a fancy word for your entire jaw area that you love to shove food into.

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The Best IM Snippet EVAR.

Between my amigo Jaleel and myself:

[15:34] Jaleel B: Oh my fuck. Someone just opened a watermelon
[15:34] Spencer: XD
[15:34] Jaleel B: I am currently away from the computer.
[15:34] Spencer: haha
[15:34] Spencer: omfg
[15:34] Jaleel B: My dad just facepalmed and walked out of the room XD

How I love the beauty of the internet (and watermelon).

The Mars Volta Sucks

For all of you “people” out there who actually enjoy The Mars Volta, I have one thing to say to you: you and your band suck. Why? Because they aren’t even a band.

From left to right: Retard #1, Whiny Loser #1, A Black Dude, Whiny Loser #2, Retard #2

This was brought to my attention when my friend and I were listening to their acclaimed musical album (if you can even call it music) Frances The Mute. Here’s the blow-by-blow of the album:

Try this if you actually like this album.

Cygnus…Vismund Cygnus: Wow, 13 minute opener. That’s quite a way to start an album. If only I could get through the entire song…oh wait, it just repeats itself so I don’t even have to listen to it all. NEXT SONG.

The Widow: The only *ACTUAL* song on the entire album, this one is listenable at the most. Whiny vocals mar this otherwise alright song.

L’Via L’Viaquez: Another 10+ minute song…I don’t think I can be submitted to torture like this much long. I mean, the guy sounds like he’s crying for God’s sake.

The Rest of the Album: This is nothing but 45 minutes of them farting around with their guitars. It isn’t even good farting, its sick, wet, nasty farting that sounds somewhat like a child being mauled with a license plate and a broken Jack Daniels bottle. Not good.

So there it is. The Mars Volta isn’t a band; they are just a stupid, idiot-prog group of dumb, whiny induviduals who feel the need to fill the music world with their own vomit and bile. Please don’t listen to Volta, if you do I will be forced to send the ninja on you.

Carrell and Colbert Debate Religion

This is hilarious.

How to be a Pirate!

It seems like the newest internet trend is piracy. And why not? Everyone loves pirates. With their pillaging and plundering of the towns, large ships, and steady stream of rum and gold, what’s not to love? However, I will not be talking about that kind of Pirating in this here blog post. No, I will instead teach you how to be an Intarweb Pirate! This means FREE STUFF! Everybody loves free stuff. Let’s get it on.

Step 1: Watch this video:

Now, if that doesn’t make you want to be a pirate, nothing will. Leave this blog now. If you, like a normal person, still wish to be a pirate, continue on my swashbuckling friend.

Step 2: Get file sharing software

Most pirates these days use what’s known as Bittorrent. But why use that protocol? Nope, instead you should use the classic: Kaazaa. And just like pirates, you shouldn’t use a modified one, so you can get all the sick nastiness from it. I mean, all pirates had some disease, right? Consider this your scurvy, if you will.

Step 3: Get a pirate name

Use this site for your very own pirate name. Use it on all the forums, download sites and other places you may visit. Also, tell all your friends to call you by this name. It helps your “pirate cred”. Trust me.

A lot. Like, everything. Download anything and everything you’ve ever thought you wanted. In fact, even if you don’t like what you are downloading, get it anyway. Why? Because you can, fool.

Step 5: Get caught and hanged (optional)

This step is one no pirate wishes to face; when you finally get caught. The RIAA and the MPAA will no doubt be your downfall. With their crazy, lunatic-esque ways, its a wonder they even have the support of anyone these days. But mentally stable or not, they want you in bars. And you will be. And they might hang you. Though this has yet to happen. But who knows, maybe you will be the first. What an honor.

Yes, that’s all it takes kids. 5 steps to Piratedom. I know that you want to get out their and start being a pirate, so please, go now. Free stuff awaits.

(Note: I don’t actually want you to steal anything. This is merely a humorous blog post for the sake of humor. Support your artists/filmmakers/local dairy farm. Don’t sue me.)

Cereal: MMO Gaming’s Greatest Food

While I was playing my current MMORPG of choice, World of Warcraft (Spinebreaker, name Kuromori), I had a shocking revelation, nay, EPIPHANY: Cereal is the most perfect MMORPG gaming food on the planet Earth. The cereal in question was Frosted Flakes, though I am quite sure that this theorem can be applied to all cereals healthy or otherwise. Why you ask? Look at these top reasons:

1. Cereal is Delicious: It’s true – cereal is actually little tiny molecules made by God himself to bring good taste to everyone. Heck, even the sucky, bran cereal is pretty good. But when you divulge into such classics as Cocoa Crisp, Fruity Pebbles, Trix, and many others, you begin to see just what good taste really is. If you have never seen the light, I condemn you, and force you to eat sick nasty petrified spinach the rest of your life.

Don't Like Cereal? Eat boiled spinach, crazy person.

Figure 1: Don’t Like Cereal? Eat boiled spinach, crazy person.

2. Cereal is Nutritious: Unlike other favorites such as pizza, ice cream, and cookies, cereal can be quite nutritious. Such nutri-favs include Grape Nuts, Raisin Bran and many others. However, other not so nutritious ones are not that seriously bad for you. Even my beloved Frosted Flakes contain no fat whatsoever, a little over 100 calories and 11% Vitamin A, 10% Vitamin C and 25% Iron. Not bad in my opinion. So drop that huge slice of Super Combo ™ pizza and step up to nutrition.

Frosted Flakes Nutrition Facts

Figure 2: Frosted Flakes Nutrition Facts

3. Cereal is Easy to Make: Look at this retarded easy cooking: 1. Open cereal and pour into bowl (careful of any sort of toy inside the package!), 2. Open milk bottle/carton/udder and pour onto cereal, covering most of flakes/balls, 3. Eat with spoon. If that isn’t easy, walk to your local hospital and check yourself into the mental asylum portion, as you obviously aren’t fit to be in society.

Don't Know How to Make Cereal? Go here.

Figure 3: Don’t Know how to Make Cereal? Go here.

If these three items don’t entice you to go towards the Way of the Cereal (Registered Trademark), then I don’t know what will. I guarantee in just one delicious taste of a nice sugary cereal during an extended WoW or Guild Wars session will set you free. And if it does, send PayPal. Thank you for your time.