I am a mean person. Yes, it is hard to believe, what with my eloquent language skills, good looks and impeccable music taste. However, I am only one man, a mere mortal on this most green earth (actually, sans green now, it seems. More steely gray.) and enjoy having a go at most people…actually, many people. So, to display my own comments on those I deem worth making fun of, I have decided to create this semi-bi-sortakinda-updated series of posts, which I like to call “Those I Ridicule”. My first subjects: The Weak-Chinned.
A chin, as you may or may not know, is the part of your body just below your mouth and just above your fat, protuberant stomach; you know, that hard, bony surface that occasionally grows some facial hair stubble on men and some of the more disgusting women (ah, a new topic! But that’s another post.). According to the venerable Wikipedia, your chin is made up by the lower front of the mandible, which is just a fancy word for your entire jaw area that you love to shove food into.
On most normal human beings, this area of the body is fully defined and proportional to the rest of the face – that is to say, it looks right and not like somebody smashed in the entire portion of your lower mouth repeatedly with a flagpole. An example of a perfectly chinned individual would be this nameless, soulless creature here:
You see, this here is a perfectly normal chin. It is strong, and yet supple, hard but obviously into his gentler side, such as Jane Austen novels and the occasional walk on the beach. Normality is defined by this chin. But these, as you no doubt already understand based on the title of this post, are the chins I make fun of. No, no, I look for weak-chinned, morose looking people to explode my load of hot, steaming jests unto. The chins I talk of are these:
H. Christ! I told you, and I am sorry I did not further prepare you for that scene. As you can see, the chin is underdeveloped, seemingly cowering below the mouth, much as a conscious bulimic hides behind the toilet with a bucket of ice-cream topped fried chicken. They claim to be normal, however their appearance and surrounds tell otherwise. Needless to say, these must be made fun of, otherwise the world would be a nice, humane place that people would ACTUALLY want to live in – and I can’t let that happen, for the further disillusionment of the entire earth. Basically, my attack plan for these unfortunate looking beings are as follows:
1. Point out the chin to all of my comrades – even the ones with weak chins, if they happen to be around me.
2. Begin to laugh at said chin
3. Make some sort of deragatory comment on the nature of the beast, such as “just look at that weak-chinned, dastardly coward there!” or “I didn’t know that this place was routinely smashing in faces for free.” Like all ridicules, the point here is to cause as much emotional pain on the subject that they want to cry – plain and simple.
4. Laugh some more
5. Return to your normal exploits, but with a large smile of triumph on your face
As you can see, I have gotten good at this little game of cat and chin, to the point where it is almost not even funny. But then, being me, I say something so brilliant that it sucks me right back into the vicious cycle once more. My recommendation is to seek out those with chins weaker than your own and smash them down even more than their own mandible. With a little luck, some tears will be shed from their recessive front jaws, thus making your day.