The Mars Volta Sucks

For all of you “people” out there who actually enjoy The Mars Volta, I have one thing to say to you: you and your band suck. Why? Because they aren’t even a band.

From left to right: Retard #1, Whiny Loser #1, A Black Dude, Whiny Loser #2, Retard #2

This was brought to my attention when my friend and I were listening to their acclaimed musical album (if you can even call it music) Frances The Mute. Here’s the blow-by-blow of the album:

Try this if you actually like this album.

Cygnus…Vismund Cygnus: Wow, 13 minute opener. That’s quite a way to start an album. If only I could get through the entire song…oh wait, it just repeats itself so I don’t even have to listen to it all. NEXT SONG.

The Widow: The only *ACTUAL* song on the entire album, this one is listenable at the most. Whiny vocals mar this otherwise alright song.

L’Via L’Viaquez: Another 10+ minute song…I don’t think I can be submitted to torture like this much long. I mean, the guy sounds like he’s crying for God’s sake.

The Rest of the Album: This is nothing but 45 minutes of them farting around with their guitars. It isn’t even good farting, its sick, wet, nasty farting that sounds somewhat like a child being mauled with a license plate and a broken Jack Daniels bottle. Not good.

So there it is. The Mars Volta isn’t a band; they are just a stupid, idiot-prog group of dumb, whiny induviduals who feel the need to fill the music world with their own vomit and bile. Please don’t listen to Volta, if you do I will be forced to send the ninja on you.


480 responses to “The Mars Volta Sucks

  1. Why do you go through so much effort to say this band sucks. Not everybody likes everybody elses music. IF you dont like it, you OBVIOUSLY have a different taste for music. This is definitely talent, you just arent intelligent enough to get it. Your brain cant comprehend the amazing complex sounds this band produces. Thats why you stick to radio hit bands that really sound all the same, absolutely no uniqueness involved. Go down to the deep south where it burns bitch.

  2. Sorry, but it’s true; this band really does suck. I had to listen to them open for a far better band a couple years back and it was absolutely horrible. Their entire set was nothing but an hour long session of weird guitar effects and whiny shrieking noises. I hate mainstream music as much as the next guy, and I try to distance myself from it as much as possible; but this hardly qualifies as music. It sounds like Jim Morrison with a hernia, beating a guitar with a cat in heat. Maybe your brain could comprehend the “amazing complex sounds” if you took enough acid, but for us sober people it just sounds like garbage.

  3. Yeah,I agree that the albums pretty much blows. 13 minute opener was a horrible idea. The mastering is pretty lame as well. The first album was great and original but now they feel they can get credit for just “jamming” for 45 minutes.

  4. alright, ill go straight to the point and say that I heard lot of hype about this album, and none of it stands to be true at all, and yes I do have an idea of what music is and an extent of knowledge of how it is written.Most of this album is noise, its horible. I heard that Mars Volta was supposed to be one of the most talented bands out there, or some shit that, that it was some major breakthrough of an album compared to the greats,… but no.Not at all, not even close. I heard the album through pure curiosity and i have to say the mainstream has disappointed me once again,no surprise huh, ill just stick to dream theater,symphony-x, led zeppelin and some good old pink Floyd here. The “music” is incoherent, just a sense of wonder,how come everybody built up the Mars Volta to apparently be so great, when its bad incoherent crap? I just dont get it…

  5. I love their first album, but they have been unable to recreate its success. This one is the worst. Check out the review on the Solstice Coil site:

  6. Will smith... haha

    True.. they can’t even play what their albums hold live.
    Their first album: Deloused in the Comatorium
    was absolutely amazing.

    They have turned to (as you have called it) Farts.
    Their new album: Bedlam in Goliath
    is shit. Pure shit.

  7. People are sheep. Somewhere along the Mars Volta time line it had been suggested that only smart people like they’re music. It’s OK, we wont think your dumb if you admit that you don’t get it because there’s nothing to get. It’s just a whole lot of fluff. Any seven people with a little knowledge of they’re intrument can play this “style” of music on they’re very first practice in mom’s basement. If you want the real deal: Miles Davis “Live Evil”, Floyd “Meddle”, Mothers of Invention… just to name a few. I’m not trying to put down Mars Volta, but if you think this is great music you should broaden your horizons.

  8. the reason Deloused in the Comatorium was great= Rick Rubin

    the reason their other albums sucked= no Rick Rubin

  9. You should all kill yourselves

  10. i agree. they are not good.

    I was telling my friend about rx bandits one day(i love them.). i said they were kindof like At The Drive-in …and they were really good. and he said “oh, like mars volta?”

    X_X while i can see how one would group them together, they are not in the same league as the two bands mentioned above.

  11. I would rather listen to St. Anger Bwaahahaha!!

  12. They S. Tillsuck

    WTF? Went to see the Flaming Lips and Christmas On Mars…. the opener for the Lips at Sasquatch Music (key word MUSIC) Festival is this freakin weird-ass hyper shit band I never heard of before… but hey they have the word “Mars” in their name. Other than that every single thing sucked about them and their show. Throwing the drummers entire high-hat assembly like a spear into the audience? WTF? And what is that 17/11 beat shit all about (just guessing I couldn’t tell ya what the real beat was based upon). Strange thing is I think it takes an incredible amount of talent to be that tight of a group mastering the art of sounding like pure crap on speed. It was like hearing hints of Zep vocals while watching T-Rex and band crunkin’ bad.

  13. I think you’re all a bunch of whiny bitches. And i think every Mars Volta album is great. You should all just go and listen to Panic At the Disco.(or Fall Out Boy) and Motion City Soundtrack!


  14. People=Sheep // February 18, 2008 at 7:33 am

    People are sheep. Somewhere along the Mars Volta time line it had been suggested that only smart people like they’re music. It’s OK, we wont think your dumb if you admit that you don’t get it because there’s nothing to get. It’s just a whole lot of fluff. Any seven people with a little knowledge of they’re intrument can play this “style” of music on they’re very first practice in mom’s basement. If you want the real deal: Miles Davis “Live Evil”, Floyd “Meddle”, Mothers of Invention… just to name a few. I’m not trying to put down Mars Volta, but if you think this is great music you should broaden your horizons.

    You are a idiot, I bet if you take guitar lessons for ten years, you still probably wouldn’t be able to play anything by the mars volta. you simple minded shit

  15. Kazuyashockrocks!!!

    Finally!!!! Sane fucking people!!! Everywhere else online I look, all I see is people praising this shitty fucking band! I’m going to catch heat for this but I don’t care. the mars Volta are to tool, rush and led zeppelin what fucking David cross is to bill hicks, George Carlin, Stanhope and Lenny Bruce They’re a bunch of fucking wannabes sucking on the nipple of bands who were better than them but gone and they just don’t measure up! If this were the mainstream of the early/mid 90s the mars Volta would not have been taken seriously, sorry!!!
    Not only that, they have the most self righteous prick singer I have ever seen in my life! This fascist heroin junkie poser fuck actually tries to tell the people in his audience, who pay good money to hear his noise (God knows why), how they can and can’t express themselves in his shows. Then he proceeds to call his audience sheep because the things they say are things they heard on television, yet after that, he calls them all a bunch of robots. Now I’m willing to bet the first time that idiot fuck heard of a robot, he saw it on fucking television! I have so many ways to prove what a ridiculous bunch of hypocritical posers they are, but you guys seem to be doing a great job of it yourselves! Thank you for reminding me that sanity and high standards still exist in a world where more and more people think shit is chocolate!!

  16. Exactly! Fuck this band and their pompous fans!

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  27. Yeah, they aren’t good but they don’t suck. They just sound like a band that tries to be too different and loses the soul in the music. one problem the voice doesn’t match the music, sounds coheed and cambria-like. I know your thinking they want uniqueness but there’s a fine line between innovation and ridiculous attempts to sound different. It’s all too concentrated on the guitar, for example the opening. Although progressive technically mjeans change in tempo/sound of the music, a lot of it is based on the large use of other elements in the music. They’re progressive “elements” you can say are somewhat masked and not aggressive enough. It’s basically all guitar which isn’t what rock is all about. I know what your thinking. But JImi Hendrix is oen of the best guitar players ever and i od’nt think of overly played guitar when i listen to him. It’s just not good I can’t explain, I’m good at determining good music too. Trust me i’m a progressive fan it’s definetly better than most current progressive although i’d take dream theater, porcupine tree, and a couple other bands over them. Although the bands i just mentionaed AREN’T THAT good either so yeah. The widow is probably the closest to true progrressive on the album.

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  34. this is bs… above people were saying that this music was easy to play, if anyone has ever heard omar rodriguez lopez play guitar then they know he is nasty as hell on it. and if sumone disagrees then they r just plain nuts! listen to it more than once, to recognize the subtle nuances of it!!!! the mars volta is bad as shit on all fronts

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  73. you people… just don’t get it. it takes more than just one listen to get to like TMV. they’re so complex and there’s so much shit going on in each song, that it’s hard to really like it at first. Omar (guitarist) is a fucking musical genius, and the rest of the band is just fucking incredible at everything they do.

    just open up you’re fucking ears and really listen to it. people don’t know good music when they hear it.


  74. People like you should like soak yourself with gasoline and light yourself on fire… Mars Volta is THE WORK OF ART! so ya. FCUK YOU

  75. Your all wrong. The Mars Volta is an amazing partnership of musical minds and just because they dont get down on all fours and suck all your dicks and they dont sound like everyone else, doesnt mean you can just assume you know anyhting about them and diss them.

    And no they havnt lost soul in their music. They arent trying to be different, they are completley against shit like that, they just want to make music of their own.

    Fuck all of you one-minded assholes

  76. teh mars volta sux teh cox!!

  77. Why are so many people obsessed with these guys. They’ve become idols to so many people. They are just people. It’s just music. You are all disgruntled robot sheep. It doesn’t take much for a rich person to buy recording gear and build a recording studio, get some friends to jam and spend lots of time constructing changes, recording your noise and using your resources to advertise and get the music on all shelves. If you are rich and know the right people anyone can be “famous”. These guys are pretentious but the fans are buying it. Never mind what they’re selling! It’s what you’re buying!

  78. need ADVIL after tmv

    at first i really liked their music. Until I saw em on a jazz festival (North Sea) They sounded absolutely horrible and were painful to the ears. It’s been a year sinde I lsitened to em. That concert opened up my eyes. They play a good riff for four seconds and then make 20 minutes of diarrhea with often very bad annoying vocals. It’s a waste of their talent to make such shite as their weak new album. Everything sounds exactly the same as the old slow songs. even the same vocal hook line. bah never again.

  79. Daniyella Umana

    I can get why ppl don’t like them.their a hard to fallow band and vary diff.And In less your extremly deep person. It’s most likely wound end up liking them and or talk mad shit about them.And ppl don’t seem to take the time to really get into them. But when I read something like this.The so called review on what you have to said about the band it seem like nothing but a bunch of random “I’ve got nothing better to say then this”.

    lets see…

    “From left to right: Retard #1, Whiny Loser #1, A Black Dude, Whiny Loser #2, Retard #2”

    … so can define what kind of so called retards they are?Cuz f.y.i their is more then one kind.

    “The Rest of the Album: This is nothing but 45 minutes of them farting around with their guitars. It isn’t even good farting, its sick, wet, nasty farting that sounds somewhat like a child being mauled with a license plate and a broken Jack Daniels bottle. Not good.”

    And have you really even hear :
    a child being mauled with a license plate and a broken Jack Daniels bottle.

    most likely not!

  80. I must say; I was ok with the Mars volta before seeing them live at Bonnaroo. Wasn’t in love with their stuff; but respected it…

    I can honestly say, after seeing them live, I have NO respect for these guys as musicians.

    The author of this post is right; their music is nothing but terrible farting on guitars; and is even worse live since you are their to smell the stench of it all.

    These guys some how miraculously managed to market their terrible musicianship as prog rock. THey are FUCKING TERRIBLE. Seriously; I can make a Mars volta album just by recording the sound of an amped guitar beating this band to death.

    I hate this band; but I mostly hate the people that elevated these terrible musicians to the level they are at.

  81. OH; and I laughed my ass off at the bonnaroo show at how gay the keyboardist looked.

    Give me a fucking break

  82. If you haven’t seen this…

  83. One word…guitar tone that is all.

  84. Well actually that’s two words but all the same its one thing the Mars Volta will never have.

  85. If the Mars Volta suck, then who the fuck do you listen to?

  86. <>

    You should know by now, if you’ve such a fantastic taste in music, that it doesn’t matter if you can PLAY great music or not. The important thing is to MAKE great music, man, to have the creativity to make good songs. A piece of music is no better just because it’s difficult to play, or extremely fast, and if you think that you’re just deaf. The greatest songs in the history of music can be played by anyone who wants to play them, but the geniuses are the ones who composed them.

    I’m not saying you should like TMV, or TMV are the greatest band ever, because they might not appeal you. What matters is how it makes you feel.

  87. that was in response to “People=Sheep”, who said People=Sheep // February 18, 2008 at 7:33 am

    Any seven people with a little knowledge of they’re intrument can play this “style” of music on they’re very first practice in mom’s basement.

  88. This band is Garbage. They are not anything compared to the amazing artists they are compared to. I am also smarter than any of you and can play 12 different instruments as well as sing. SO all of you and Matt Lauer can suck it. Read my book bitches.

  89. i don’t know. i got diarrhea when i was listening to this music. i don’t know if it was something i ate or just the music.

  90. She purred as he pulled out, rolling onto her side as he moved aside. Hyles hand came up to brace on his shoulder, encouraging him to look up again. Colors bled, and the stone trees melted into the floating water of the stream. Radins mental warning didnt help. Someones strong arms surrounded her, and a broad chest met her cheek. Radins lips brushed her temples, his fingers still stroking her loose hair. Are you sure you want to do this? A soothing warmth pulsed within her, her goddesss spell primed. She loved them as much as she loved her parents. I realize just saying it isnt enough, but I have to start somewhere. Her righteous rage dimmed, however, when she saw him flinch. Ive taken enough for tonight. Brevins voice was so close, she had to open her eyes. A tiny bud that burst alive when warm lips slid over it. His fingers laced with hers where she clutched the mattress. She collapsed into a gooey, shuddering heap. He shook his head, stepping farther into the room. But the look on your face tells me theres more. His bold words cut through a world of insecurity. She met his gaze seriously.

  91. cedric the spaz

    are you all typically white people
    watch me bitch at the audience

    and remember kids
    your all a bunch of sheep

    The Mars Volta

  92. i agree with you 100%. My friend and i always have debates on whether Tool or Th Mars Volta are better. Me being the major Tool fan and Him the sucky Mars Volta. Glad to see there are other anti Mars Volta fans out there!

  93. Luis Esteban Garcia

    Como me da risa la gente jodida del culo… Who wrote this article? Probably some pathetic fan of the jonas brothers or a berklee college of music reject. Fuck You man. What do you do with your life? Oh that’s right you sit around a computer and write about shit you don’t know anything about. Is your life really that boring? Now here you are reading a comment from a 15 year old Mars Volta fan while reflecting on every fucking word i just wrote. And to those assholes reading all the comments to decide whether or not you should listen to the “volta” just don’t even bother to check them out. Too much MTV rotts your ear drums with their cum. Stop getting ear raped or stop critizicing what you can’t understand…

  94. The Farmdestroyer

    Categories: Humor

    Come on people, fuck!

    This is why he probably made this “stupid” post. Mars Volta’s fans are usually under the impression that they are the smartest fans on Earth, then they go and get all pissed off when someone insults Omar’s compositions or Cedric’s vocals. You people are too easy, which makes it too fun for people. And in the event that he’s not joking, so the hell what?

    Actually, you probably wouldn’t be able to make this music by having an amped guitar beat them to death. Not to mention you probably don’t play an instrument, nor do you possess the financial capability required to enter a professional grade studio to record.

    @ YES!

    Tool are kind of repetitive and dull. Seriously, just play the 0, 3, 5, 10, and 12 frets on the 3 lowest strings of a guitar (don’t forget to tune to drop-D). Play them in any sequence. Congrats, you have a Tool riff. That’s why all of their songs sound the same.

    And also, @People=Sheep, put up a video of you playing some Thomas Pridgen. Then you can boast about your technical prowess on an instrument.

    Btw, to people that say that they just make random noise, what does that mean, anyway?
    What is noise? If it’s something you like, then it’s music; if it’s something you don’t like, you immediately categorize it as “noise”. Am I under the right assumption?

  96. mars volta is an insult to every band out there writing and playing real music. the fact that this group of noodlers is making a living playing this jumbled mess of noise is a testament to the ignorance of their fanbase. they could release an album of nothing but car crashes and construction noise, and their clueless fans would probably hail it as their best work yet. and they’d be right. fuck you, jonah hill.

  97. I listen to noise music and I hate this band. I listen to all kinds of music and I hate this band. They sound like high school kid insanity. I don’t want to hear that and I don’t think it is good for anybody to hear that. This music is bad for young people, this music is just plain bad, it’s not a matter of taste, I am very open minded when it comes to art/music/creativity and this band is just sort of evil, promotes insanity, sucks.

  98. The soundtrack for wanna-be intellectuals… The Emperor’s New Clothes

  99. 2deep4u bro

  100. they suck……that is all.

  101. TMV is what a sound guy was talkin’ about when he wrote ‘you can’t polish a turd’. They should masturbate in private, not onstage-

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